In Celebration of IDAHOBIT

We Define Ourselves

By Nikki Mohammad

For the International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Interphobia and Transphobia on 17 May, Living Positive Victoria’s volunteer receptionist, Nikki shares her story as a powerful reminder to LGBTI+ people living with HIV that we can define our own journey.

My name is Nikki and I am a trans woman living with HIV. I was diagnosed on my 42nd birthday in December 2018. The doctor delivered the news to me calmly, followed by a birthday wish. Happy birthday to me!

I processed this information at a million miles per hour. I was embarrassed, devastated, disappointed and I had so many questions that I personally could not find the answer for.

Having no family and friends around I had to digest this news alone. I was born in a small suburb just outside Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia in a very poor family. I am the youngest of four siblings who just happened to be very different and special. We were raised by my mother as a single parent, but my childhood was still full of amazing experiences. I would not trade it or have it any other way. The qualities and values that I inherited from my family makes me the person I am today.

I was assigned male gender at birth. When I was growing up, I knew that something wasn’t right. Knowledge and resources were very limited, and I didn’t know how to explain it. I came across as very feminine and I still remember that I loved to play with my mother and sister’s make up. I think this was the beginning of my gender dysphoria. My family noticed right from the beginning, but we didn’t talk about it openly. Only once a while—when my sister’s make up went missing. Looking back, it’s funny when I think that person was really me!

I didn’t start my transition until I was in my mid 20s. I was working as customer service consultant in a major telecommunication company and my transition surprised lots of people, especially my colleagues. But not my family, who knew it would happen someday. I am very protective of my family, and I don’t want them to get hurt by other people’s attitudes. Being trans was taboo in my culture back then and probably still is.

I quit my job after ten long years because I needed a change and opened my own bridal shop. This was something I wanted to do, but my real dream was to see the world. How I decided to do this surprised even myself: I become an escort. I planned everything, bought my flight to Germany and never looked back. This new career was very interesting. The money was good, I travelled the world, experienced different countries, lived the luxury lifestyle, had designer items, and I saw what I want to see. Amazing! I ended up here in Australia in 2010.

Sex work opened my eyes to the world but one thing I can’t deny is that this industry also comes with a lot of unwanted accessories. Where do I begin? Entertaining all sorts of clientele who could afford my fees changed the way I look at life in general. I was also introduced to drugs of all kinds: from marijuana to cocaine, MDMA, Ecstasy and ice. Usually my clients brought it with them and sometimes using together made my work a lot easier. It became a habit before I knew it.

My life started to crumble and fall apart. I couldn’t afford my rent and soon I was homeless and without a valid visa status in foreign country with no one around except myself. I was in the darkest possible situation you can imagine. I tried everything within my power to get back to being myself, but I failed. I was lucky someone from a support organisation found me when I was homeless. I will be forever grateful for their help and for giving me the support and opportunities to live my life again. I am clean now, waiting for approval of my protection visa which I am excited about.

It’s been almost one and half years since my HIV diagnosis. I was blessed with the support given to me by the hospital staff, especially the infectious diseases clinic who linked me to several HIV organisations almost immediately. I started my treatment the very next day. I realised that I have to take this pill for rest of my life. I told myself, just consider this pill like any other vitamin, supplements or hormone that I used to take every morning before my life turned upside down. The treatment went very well and right to this point, I am undetectable and have a close relationship with the clinic staff. I feel for the very first time in my life I am in control of my body and my health.

I have been through so much to get here and managed to put all of that behind me. I am proud to have come this far however a part of me still missing. I cannot change the past. It’s history. But I’m ready for a better, greater future. I am on my journey finding the missing me and vividly see her now. POSITIVE people this is me letting you know you are not alone. Don’t let HIV define you as a person. Stay positive and find the fighter in you!

Living Positive Victoria acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the land where we work and live. We pay our respects to Elders past, present and emerging. We celebrate the stories, culture and traditions of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Elders of all communities who also work and live on this land.